Monthly Archives: November 2013

Attempting the verbal blog

Painful to read at first, but I put promise it gets better and easier.

Is a train is in the background and coyotes have come down from the woods, chittering constantly. I am Trying to learn more about this voice texting thing because I think that maybe I’ll be able to learn to express myself better if I speak rather than type. Generally my my fingers and hands are high express myself best I do it at the end of a ball point pen with the dulling pencil scraping against paper but for some reason my verbal language my audio language is a complete mess I don’t say what I’m thinking I can’t create I can’t focus my Words as well as I can when it’s coming from the tip of a pencil or at times from buttons being pushed in a keyboard is all very different this the speaking my thought out loud especially since it only goes on for so many seconds and then pauses and jotted down on the screen or whatever have you my mouth is not as in tune with my brain is my hands are and if I could just throw that you know even if I do throw thoughts onto a paper they still don’t come out the same because I don’t actually know what I’m thinking until it is down on paper. Press it is time for me to just close my eyes and just talk Seaward takes me top by myself talk without a pencil talk without paper just talk seaward gets me I thought I considered doing the video blogging but I don’t like looking at myself I don’t like seeing myself talking what’s more as I was looking down when the camera is staring at my third eye and I just looks silly because I’m looking down because I’m watching the little tiny image of myself talking instead of watching the camera I just talked the whole Longpre to hit the fucking button stupid non-button no I didn’t hit the button it just stops and I didn’t notice it stopped selling me stupid technology.

So I’ve been watching Battlestar Galactica and everything is in my head is silence silence the silence but I love to see this voice thing voice recognition thing spell the word Psion but we’ll see yeah I spelled words Ceile on which is actually spelled see why LOL is spelled it PS iOS. I’m into minds as to whether or not to go back and edit this so that people can see my journey and trying to learn how to use this talking texting thing. I have to learn to actually say the word PE are IOD when I wide-eyed at the end of my sentence. It’s silly looking back over weather try to say that I spelled you can see you make a whole lot of nonsense so you know maybe I won’t edit this just if you can see that it’s probably helpful actually that I don’t cover the microphone with my hands when I speak I’m sitting here talking to the little dots in my iPad as if the camera lenses going to record my voice that’s just silly I know better.

The problem with me talking my things out loud is that my mind changes direction faster than my mouth and if I’m writing with a writing utensil with the keyboard whatever that helps me to focus my mind on one thing. It’s not incorrect to say that writing is a meditative tool because it is it allows one to focus and stay focused on the topic.

If I’m stoned and I’m trying to write or I’m trying to even talk or anything of the swords but it is going to be a jumble of giggles and jumble of giggles. Delete delete delete delete shit please don’t delete

I apologize for the century this entry is nothing but gibberish. Is experiments to see how our technology is trying to understands us. Our brother maybe I’m trying to understand technology. Either way it’s trying to bridge the human computer gap. And I am just trying to see if I can get away without tapping my little iPad redundantly. I think that this will be useful when I am fucked up in the future I’m trying to write an entry. Because most the time when I am trying to write an entry on the computer when I am tripping balls or am rolling phase I get really distracted by the click of the button or with a simple feeling the texture against my fingers. So for me to just be able to get an iPad hit new entry I’m just jabber away and see what happens then maybe I will make the more blog terrific.

I might have lied. My apologies.

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Posted by on November 24, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Adderall: When You’re Surrounded

Well, I came across something interesting today. Just the one little clue blew my mind.

Firstly, let’s do some exploration and informing about Adderall. It’s that medication that’s used for ADHD. However, it’s become common for folks to use it recreationally as a stimulant. I’ve put it to use a couple times – well, the first time I didn’t really know what it was, and my friend just told me to put it up my nose. It had little effect on me, I went to sleep pretty soon after (that happened too with my one and only experience with cocaine. Hm), but I think I had it a couple time after it without still realizing what it was, I just had a friend who’d hand them out to me. This was years ago, when I was about 19 or 20.

I came across it again when I was in the process of going through an E-Book publishing company that was interested in the excurps of the novel I had sent them. However, that novel I had been finished iwth for ever, and was sick to death of it since I had easily, no exaggeration required, read it a hundred times during the whole editing process. Oh yeah, I’m terrible at editing my own writing, as you may have noticed. And these are jut single entries at a time. Imagine a 200 page story!

Needless to say, it needed some love. So, I knew the only way to get through it was with something to drive in the focus. I bought some Adderall, and got it done in one night, though the effects weren’t noticeable. To finish this as a bird walk, I send the the edits, and they replied with wanting to know what page each edit was on, what a word or sentence was before hand and what I had changed it to. HA! They did not hear from me after that.

Other than those experiences, it has not been something I have sought out, nor does it cross my path often.

Until one day, a lug switch in your brain flips, and you see it surrounding you, realizing all your coworkers are putting it to use; that that is how they pull a night shift and then a day shift; that so and so isn’t nervous around you when they make awkward small talk,they’re just high; that the little wiggle exchange they do with a knowing grin is the sign that they just popped some more. The little noises made, the constant movement of the jaw, the hugging, the coworker that has the prescription but has been working so hard to get away from it – all the pieces popped into place and all I could think was

Maybe if I got ahold of some of that, the work day would seem easier.

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Posted by on November 22, 2013 in Uncategorized


Eyes wide shut

I need to banish Facebook. Just be gone foul site!

Sometimes I just need to get on the computer to tupe, to write. Sometimes, I try to turn the interwebs off, but then I need to look something up, before I commit it typiture. But then I get distracted by the rest of the world wide web, and  then there goes my writing inspiration, sucked away by the soul of cyber space.

I needed to write so badly, right now, that I actually have to close my eeys so that I don’t et distracted by those little red lines under my typing. I should be in bed, I should be asleep.

I’ve been drinking my egg wine. Well, it’s not wine made out of egg. It’s little mini bottles that I’vebeen having to sit on before I drink them so that they are an enjoyable temperature.

My roommate had one of our coworerks over for a visit, and they bothe thought I was nuts when I asked them to sit on one of my bottles of wines. Katie would have understood, and perhaps done it as well. I miss Katie. SHe’s the right kind of crazy, the levelheaded but totally out there and nuts in all the right ways. She’s a fun friend, that chick.

Damn, I peaked, and i was disutbed y all the red lines. My eyes are closed again now. Mut keep typing anot worry about hose spell and grammer checks! They are just distractions, things I don’t need.

So why, you might wonder, am I writing on this thing instad of doing something creative? I’m not entirely certina I think i’m still trying to work on getting back into journalling, breaking through that barrier between my conscious and my subconscious. I used to journal every day, and seeral times a day. It wasn’t any thing for me to finish a journal within a month. And now I’m lucky if I can een open the dumn thing. So hopefully, this weill help break down thatwall. I’ll be able to write my thoughts out, and listen to myselfmore.

The problem is, whenever I go through something tramatic (that is, tramatic in the charmed life I’ve been lucky enough to lead), I stop writing. Journallying forces me to fave what I am feeling, the things that I have a hard time seeing and facing. And so, getting past that obstical can be tricky. I will take whatever steps I can. 

and if that involves drinking two mini bottles of egg wine, so be it. 

I will write with my eyes close so that I donot get distracted by the rest of he interwebs, and I will write.

To me that sounds like the end of an entry. I’m not so sure. I’m not sure what to write about now. I was trying to read my book. It remeinded me aof a buddy of mine in Wales, who used to hang out at the pub after he got off work, and spend his days off in his underwear reading books and enjoying vodka. I wish I was an intellectual drinker. Or students in the town I grew up in, who go to the bar to study. I can’t do that. I can’t make myself focus on any sort of literature once I’m half a drink in. It destroys my conscentration. 

Have you seen my typing, after all???

Perhaps I should stop with this mess. game over entry! Game over!

I should have had that other mini bottle. But no, I shall be responsible and go to bed so that I can open the work place in the morning, and work all day, completeing meetings and writing a schedule and learning payroll. I shall be a grown up tomorrow. and between now and then. I will sleep.

I have a fear of dying on a plane. I hope that doesn’t happen this Christmas. Wish me well!

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Posted by on November 19, 2013 in Uncategorized


Remaining Human Can be Cumbersom

So I found myself donating to a cause on Indiegogo. I should be more stoked. Usually I don’t do these things. Normally I see that and think “That’s sad” or “wow! That’s a neat thing!” But after hearing this woman out, and see what she’d gone through, I decided to donate. It wasn’t much. I think it effected me simply because of what I’ve seen my boyfriend’s brother go through recently. 

Usually donating to things really makes me happy, makes me feel like I did something great. For some reason, I’m not having that feeling.

I think I’m exhausted. I’m giving nearly 60 hours a week to my job to ensure that it stays open, and believe you me, my salary does not compensate enough for that amount of time – my boyfriend is paid less than me, and giving 90 hours – all because we care so much about this job, with two out of three bosses who couldn’t give a shit. Not only could they not give a shit, but one even would like to see this business fail. But we have the one boss that we care so much about, and want so much to see him succeed against all these obstacles that we are giving our lives over to this business. 

I just booked my vacation to go to Wales. It’s not as exciting as it seems, I assure you. My mom’s half of the family is in the UK even though she lives over in the states with me (well, not with me, but in the same state any way). My uncles on her side of the family have put Granny in a home, even though she doesn’t need to be in a home (it’s a rant for another time, if I haven’t already ranted about it already), and won’t visit her for her first Christmas not in her own house. So, Mom and I are venturing over there to visit her. 

This is a charity run, I assure you. I do not like Wales in the winter. It is cold and wet and all their housing is made out of stone which does not retain heat! The village she lives in is a tourist village, so everything is shut down, for the most part. What’s worse is that it will be full of tourists any way for the last hurrah! of the year. So filled with all the yacht club members with their “rah rah rah” laughter. 

I have a really deeply seeded love hate relationship with Wales. It’s like an abusive husband. I can’t stay away, I keep going back and getting battered. It will destroy me if I stay there too long. It nearly did. I know it sounds melodramatic, but you didn’t see me when I came home from there. It’s a story for another time, a time perhaps when I’m less sober, when I’m more whimsical, less lethargic. 

I guess that while it is in my nature to want to give, to feel good when I do good things, I’m out of giving energy, so I can’t get excited when I donate to someone in need, to a charity, do something for someone else. And I think that the fact that I don’t feel good after doing a good thing makes me feel worse. It makes me feel as though I am not able to do good and have it matter, that perhaps it’s not actually in my nature to do good things. What if I am not a naturally good person? What if all these things I am doing is just a social programming, and that really I just hate everything, and that’s why I go through these bouts of feeling miserable and just hating everything? 

Programmed robot to do good? Trying to become Human? Or just retain humanity?

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Posted by on November 18, 2013 in Uncategorized


Laying an Egg

I didn’t realize how much the season was effecting my drinking.

After a long day at work, and it was really a long day, Toby was very apologetic for not bringing me a sandwich during the day, so I missed out on breakfast and lunch until 7, and took me out to dinner as a result. It was forgiven pretty quick.

I had a glass of wine, even though I didn’t want one. Until it made it to my mouth.

It was beautiful. Delicious. And warm.

I realized I hadn’t been wanting wine because it’s so cold I my house that my red is chilled. Chilled, I tell you! CHILLED! In sub a manner reds aught not to be.

So on the way home I discovered I still had a purse wine bottle from when we went to the movies, so naturally I sat on it. All the way home and an hour after I sat on that mini wine bottle to get it to what room temperature should be.

The things I do for a lovely flavor.

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Posted by on November 17, 2013 in Uncategorized


I’ll just skip the Turkey


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Posted by on November 16, 2013 in Uncategorized


Jolly Ol’ Me

I hate the holidays. This stigma that accompanies them is far too stressful. Eat lots of food that will clog your soul (far beyond artery-clogging), buy a grand’s worth of gifts because it’s the polite thing to do. Listen to redundant carols for two months with their jazzy, hip new renditions.
Why? Because it’s tradition? I’m going to make a new tradition of buying everyone a tree to be planted. They will stop getting me things because all I get them are trees and we will both be happy. The only loser in that game would be the earth receiving the trees, but I might not stop that part.
This thanksgiving I’ve invited a hoard of people over for. Thanksgiving feast, for the kind of first time. I don’t think many will show up because I’m going to make it a vegan thanksgiving (I’m trying this on my phone, I don’t want to go back and fix the lower case T each time I write “thanksgiving” and auto correct doesn’t help this chick out). It will be wondering, with roasted vegetables, gravy, stuffed acorn squash, artichoke stuffing, nut loaf roast, and so in. But if people can’t get away from that triptophan, or whatever it is in turkey, then they don’t get my beautiful, delicious and vegan spread.

The real reason I hate holidays, other than the commercialism, which is a huge factor, is that I don’t like making decisions. I don’t like choosing whose house to go to, trying to see everyone on one specific day when really everyone should be making the effort year round. I don’t like giving Christmas that power.
Having said that, I’m on the verge of buying a ticket to the UK for Christmas to see my Granny. But that’s different. She’s in a home and my uncles that live in the country won’t go see her, so it’s up to my mom and I to. This isn’t for me, it’s for Granny. But that’s a tangent for another day.
So I return to Pintrest to look up vegan thanksgiving recipes, and to look at where I can find trees to be planted in soandso’s name.
Rebelling within the system.

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Posted by on November 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

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